I Hate Graceful People

I've reached that point again where every time I close my eyes I feel as though I am sinking. Happens every two months or so. It's an internal sensation, a little like desperation, mostly like I am in a room with windows but no doors. So many directions but not a single option. And sometimes I let myself think back to that summer - not because the memories makes me happy, but because I am worried that I am forgetting all those little things about you that made me laugh or smile or even cry. And because it has been a year, afterall, and a phone call does not make up for not seeing your face, and I hate how I have stopped seeing your expressions through the words in your emails, like how you scowl when I'm right and you're wrong, or how your eyes crinkle up at the corners when you laugh really hard. Mostly I can forget, because remembering isn't all that fun, like a punch in the chest isn't all that fun. And that is not even why I feel sad - though missing you, and remembering how much I hated you, and remembering how much I loved you, is probably part of it. No. I don't know why I feel sad. I can't explain it. But now I think about it...maybe that's why.